Nobody told me becoming a mother would feel like losing myself

When my daughter was born, I was reborn alongside her. And nothing the same was left behind.

I had a traumatic birth. I lived through the hormonal storms, the anxiety that settled into my chest and wouldn't leave, the complete dissolution of the person I thought I was. The world expected me to feel only joy. I felt joy — and I felt grief, and fear, and a profound disorientation, all at the same time.

Nobody tells you about this part. And for many parents, the silence makes it worse.

MATRESCENCE — THE BIRTH OF A MOTHER

There's a term for what happens to a person when they become a parent: matrescence (or patrescence, for fathers and non-birthing parents). It's a developmental process as significant as adolescence — a complete hormonal, neurological, psychological, and identity reorganization.

During adolescence, we expect moodiness, identity confusion, and emotional volatility. We give teenagers space to figure out who they are. But new parents? We expect them to be grateful, functional, and okay within weeks. The gap between expectation and reality is where so much suffering lives.

WHAT POSTPARTUM DISTRESS ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE

Postpartum depression and anxiety are vastly underdiagnosed — partly because they don't always look like what we expect. It isn't always sadness. It can look like:

— Irritability, rage, or feeling touched out

— Intrusive thoughts that scare you (these are very common and do not mean you're dangerous)

— Hypervigilance — inability to sleep even when the baby sleeps

— Feeling disconnected from your baby, your partner, or yourself

— Grief for who you used to be

— A persistent sense that you're failing, even when you're doing everything right

BIRTH TRAUMA IS REAL — AND OFTEN UNACKNOWLEDGED

If your birth didn't go as planned — or went in ways that left you shaken, powerless, or frightened — you may be carrying trauma that nobody has named as such. Birth trauma can leave the same neurological imprint as other traumatic events: flashbacks, avoidance, hyperarousal, and a body that doesn't feel safe.

EMDR is one of the most effective treatments for birth trauma. It works with the nervous system directly, helping your brain process what happened so it stops replaying on a loop.

YOU ARE NOT FAILING. YOU ARE TRANSFORMING.

The hardest and most important thing I can say is this: what you're feeling is not a sign that something is wrong with you. It's a sign that something enormous is happening. Becoming a parent is one of the most profound identity shifts a human being can go through. You deserve support — real support — not just reassurance that you'll be fine.

You will be. But not by pushing through alone.

You don't have to push through alone. Book a free 15-minute consultation at ziv-vosberg.clientsecure.me